Stuck in the past

My father was Martin and my mother Dora. Brooklyn Jews. My brother is Michael. I knocked on his door when he was going away to college and said, "good luck." He replied, "Fuck you." That was the last time I heard from him -- it was 1975, I was 15. He went to the Air Force Academy, then law school, from which he graduated #1, then got a PhD. from Harvard. I don't know what became of him. My father occasionally hired a private investigator to find out what my brother was doing -- what his rank was in the Air Force, how many kids he had, which degrees, where he lived, basic facts. My father died in 2001 so the information flow stopped a long time ago. That's how my family kept in touch...it sounds weird and I don't want to go into details or you'll feel like a therapist and demand an exorbitant salary, but it's a good indicator of the person I became, isolated, fearful, often unable to form and maintain relationships. I'm also smart, funny, sensitive, loyal. I think I'm worth the effort because I'm aware of who I am and what's happening around me and I'm always considering the world and my role in it. But sometimes the news isn't good and I have trouble forging ahead with confidence or good cheer.

I remember my father as being very simple and gentle. My mother was a banshee and brother was angry and combative, yet my father was calm. Unfortunately, he could not control the situation, placate my mother or help my brother. The chaos escalated and eventually our family imploded while my father quietly sat by and did nothing, sort of like the Peter Sellers character in "Being There." He loved animals and was very kind and just wanted peace and quiet. I turned out like him, my brother became like my mother despite the war she continually waged upon him.